So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
