she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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