Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Bring me that man meat
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
