I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
