Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
