I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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