Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
