I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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