its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
