Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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