Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
