So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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