I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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