i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
