He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
