my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
