I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
