He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
