Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
