Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
