You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
