I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
