Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
