Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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