Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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