He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
