Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
