Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
