Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
