The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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