and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
