I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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