got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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