Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
