my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
