Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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