I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
