he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
