I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
