He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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