Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
