You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
