Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I need to calm my uterus...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
