he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
