She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
