Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
