Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
