eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
