he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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