Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm gonna have a badass scar
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
